


Finding Home

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 13:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13148091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Kaidan reflects on the life he's built with the men he loves.





	Finding Home

Kaidan had always considered home to be an emotional place more than a physical place. There were a handful of places where he stored his belongings that he’d refer to as home, but they weren’t necessarily a ‘home’ to him, in the sense that he would return there and call it the place where he was safe, would let down his emotional barriers, and just... be. 

That place had become the arms of John Shepard. That, Kaidan had decided, was his home. 

And then along had come James Vega, managing to knock both men off their axis. Somehow, he’d managed to make his way into the relationship that they’d both considered would be at the exclusion of all others.

He didn’t understand it, and he supposed he didn’t need to. He and Shepard and James had come to consider their relationship just fine the way it was. It might not have been traditional, but it was theirs, and it made them happy. 

After the war had ended, the Citadel fixed up, the three of them had moved back into the apartment in the Tiberius Towers. Shepard had considered it a sanctuary during the war, and neither of his partners could argue with that idea. James had gone ahead with his N7 training, though most in the Alliance seemed willing to just accept him as such, given his working with Shepard during the war. But James Vega wasn’t one to slide – he wanted to be treated as any N7 recruit, go through the training, everything. Like the saying went, N7s weren’t made, they were born. If he couldn’t handle the training on his own merits, he didn’t deserve the ranking.

Of course, the argument was academic, considering that with his skill and ability, plus the men he would go home to and have help train him, James easily made his way through the acceptance process. He wore the N7 armor with pride.

Kaidan had taken leave from the Alliance that had turned into early retirement – he’d first had to help his mother with the establishment of a new vineyard (Kelly Chambers had suggested to Kaidan that it was part of how she was processing her losses in the war, not just the family vineyard but especially his father, which had made it hard to argue putting in the time and effort to help her), and by the time that had been finished, he’d found he’d enjoyed not having to strap on guns and armor and prep his biotics for combat. The Council had rotated him off active duty, with the agreement he could come back at his discretion – the advantage of being a war hero, even if he was, technically speaking, the last one in the Spectres. 

That left Shepard.

That was the real problem these days. He’d been struggling since the war had ended. Kelly had brought up how it was likely just the fact that he could finally have the chance to realize the burden that had been placed on him, that being able to breathe now was giving him the chance to realize how bad things were, not even just for him, but the responsibility that he’d shouldered was now metaphorically hitting him in the gut now that the referee had left and the lights had gone out.

Strained metaphor, but it got the picture across.

So, Kaidan had gone from helping his mother put herself back together after his father was lost (they’d never recovered a body, and Kaidan preferred to believe that he’d simply been one of the numerous casualties that had been unrecoverable in the weeks and months of fighting even before the Reapers were defeated, rather than the lingering thought in the back of his mind that he might have been made into a husk) to helping put Shepard back together.

Times like this made Kaidan glad that James had managed to make his way into the relationship. He didn’t know if he could handle this burden alone. But with James there, he knew he wasn’t alone. 

He’d run some errands, taking him out of the apartment for a couple of hours. Returning, he saw James over at the oven, working at dinner. Domestic seemed to suit him, despite him still enjoying active duty. He was very much at home in the kitchen, making dinner (or breakfast, or lunch, or just whatever) for the men in his life. 

The fact that he liked doing so with as few clothes on as he could manage, meaning often in nothing but a ‘kiss the cook’ apron (Kaidan hadn’t even been sure those had actually existed, rather than just being a joke, before James had revealed he had one). 

Right now, James sported pants, but he still had discarded his shirt, leading Kaidan to smile as he moved behind him. He placed a gentle kiss to the back of James’s neck. “Dinner already?” 

James reached back with one hand, tangling his and Kaidan’s fingers. “Puttin’ a few things together. Got a request from Hackett, look into a disturbance out on some colony world. Some people who’d broke away from the Council before the war are claiming they’re being shorted resources for recovery because of it. Figures it’s just a brush fire or something, but he wants me to check it out, use that ‘James Vega, war hero’ charm on ‘em. I’m going out tomorrow, should be gone a few days.”

He didn’t sound enthused – not surprising, given that Shepard was in a bad spell at the moment. Still, James had a duty, and, as he put it, the James Vega charm had a way of working on people.

James turned to look at Kaidan. “You think you can manage for a while without me?” 

That, Kaidan wasn’t sure, since it didn’t entirely depend on him. “How’s he doing?” he countered in response, keeping his voice low. If Shepard was reaching an upswing, Kaidan figured a week on his own wouldn’t be so bad. And he didn’t know if Shepard knew about James’s assignment, which could affect how well that upswing worked.

“He was in the office when Hackett called, overheard it all. Think that’s why he took a nap.” James motioned up to the bedroom for emphasis. 

Well, at least they wouldn’t have to break the news. 

Kaidan sighed, letting James go, and leaning against the kitchen counter. “James, do you think that... Do you think he’ll ever get better?”

“What do you mean, Kaidan?” James seemed genuinely confused by the suggestion that there wasn’t going to be any kind of recovery for Shepard.

“I mean... PTSD is something he’s going to live with for the rest of his life. If he struggles with handling you getting an assignment...” Kaidan hated the thought, but he did have to at least say it, if only so that he knew that he and James weren’t making things worse for Shepard by not putting him primarily in the hands of someone trained for it.

Fortunately, James knew Kaidan enough to know the difference between Kaidan asking a hypothetical and needing to be sure that what they were doing wasn’t hurting the man they both loved worse, which let him keep a level head, rather than get angry at the very idea. “Putting him in a psych facility won’t help him, you know. Even if they’d take him. It’s not like he’s walking around looking for a gun or something. Even Kelly said being in a comfortable place would be a good thing, probably better for him. A place he knows he safe from... everything.” Even James still occasionally hesitated at the thought of the things they’d faced in the war. 

Which, admittedly, was part of Kaidan’s concern. Though the real question was, he supposed, was there anyone in the galaxy who didn’t bear those scars. Everyone was recovering from it. No one could be free of the resultant PTSD. The galaxy would bear that for a very long time. And it centered on Shepard. He was Hackett’s tip of the spear. 

“The war was unfair to all of us. But especially Shepard. If I didn’t know that he would never have let the war happen without him, I’d probably blame Hackett for making him into this... mess.”

James nodded. “Yeah. It took me a little while after Loco started having problems to not want to punch Hackett, realize that he would have done it even if Hackett hadn’t put him at the forefront. I mean, he was already stuck in the middle of it after Sovereign and the Collectors...” He shook his head. “It’d mess up anyone. That he even gets up sometimes seems like a win on its own.” 

They were silent for a few moments, giving it more contemplation. They abruptly heard the sound of Shepard moving around upstairs, causing them both to silently agree to drop the subject for now. Moments later, Shepard walked down the stairs, rubbing at his eyes. He smiled as he saw Kaidan. “Thought I heard you,” he said. 

Kaidan moved to meet him at the foot of the stairs with a kiss. “Just got back. James was filling me in on Hackett’s request.” 

Shepard made a face. “Yeah. Didn’t we spend the last few years trying to put the galaxy back together? Why are people so determined to just... break that all apart?”

“People are a mess, Shepard. You know that,” Kaidan said with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, I’m living proof of it,” James added, grinning wide. The lame joke managed to draw a smile out of Shepard. 

“We’ve still got a while before James heads out, and apparently he’s not making tonight’s dinner...”

“I mean I can...” James said, jokingly defensive. “But if you’re planning anything for tonight, it’d be pretty rude to exclude me.”

“No one’s being excluded, James,” Shepard said, though he recognized that the comments were purely in good humor. Maybe Kaidan was being overcautious, monitoring Shepard’s tone to see how he was handling things, but he worried. It wasn’t a bad thing to pay attention to Shepard, especially knowing how he was dealing with the PTSD. 

He looked to James with a gentle smile. “You finish up those meals, we’ll be up in the hot tub. You’ll be included, I promise.” 

James made a gentle rumble of a laugh. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

“The hot tub, Kaidan?” Shepard asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What? I could use some of those massaging jets,” Kaidan said, knowing that he was practically taunting Shepard. With that, he began making his way to said hot tub, Shepard on his heels.

Kaidan shed his clothes as he made his way from the stairs to the bedroom. By the time he crossed the threshold to the bathroom, he was giving Shepard a great view of his ass. He was aware of what people tended to say about his ass, and knew that Shepard certainly appreciated the view. 

“Joining me, Shepard?” Kaidan asked over his shoulder as he finished removing his clothes, flashing him a cheeky grin. 

Moments later, the both of them were in the hot tub, Shepard curling up close to Kaidan. “You have some very good ideas, you know,” Shepard murmured. 

“I like to think so,” Kaidan said with a smirk. “Shepard... How’re you doing?”

Shepard sighed. “Figured you’d ask that... I’m fine, Kaidan. Really. I don’t need you and James holding my hand, treating me like glass.”

“You’ll forgive me for being concerned about you,” Kaidan said, entirely unrepentant. This was one of the men he loved, he wasn’t going to apologize for worrying about him. 

“I suppose I can’t blame you. I know we do the same with James. And James and I do it about you.” Shepard smiled. “It doesn’t mean I don’t find it unnecessary when you do it all the same.”

“Yeah, you’re just gonna have to live with it, Shepard. You’re stuck with us.”

Shepard peppered Kaidan’s shoulder with a flurry of soft, feather light kisses. “I suppose I am.” He thought for a moment, considering his words. “I’m managing, Kaidan. You know it’s... It’s not always easy, but... I want to make it through this.”

“In fairness, Shepard, I think a lot of people would be catatonic in your place. I can’t imagine being able to hold myself together... going through what you have.” He turned to look Shepard in the eye. “I don’t think I could be that strong.”

“Kaidan, you hold me together. You hold James together. You did that for your mother, too. Don’t sell yourself short.”

“Loco’s not wrong, Kay,” came James’s voice. Moments later, he joined his lovers in the hot tub, facing the two of them. He looked at the way they’d positioned themselves in the tub, considering how to add himself to the mix – the downside of a three-way relationship was how to arrange everyone and everything. He settled on sliding next to Kaidan on his free side, being able to gently run his fingers up and down the nape of Shepard’s neck. 

Leaning against the solid mass of James’s chest, Kaidan could appreciate the sentiment, at the very least. He nodded. “You know, I’m not entirely interested in arguing right now.”

James chuckled, a low rumble that Kaidan felt almost like the purr of a contented jungle cat. “I have that effect on people.” He looked to Shepard. “Kaidan’s still right about one thing. You’re pretty incredible, John. And we’re always here for you.”

“I know. You two spoil me.”

“It’s not about spoiling you. Cuz you deserve nothing less, after all the shit you’ve gone through and done,” James said, firmly. He looked to Kaidan, who understood his wordless thought and nodded in agreement, then pulled Shepard around Kaidan, moving him into the middle of their sandwich. “It’s about how we love you. And we’re here for you. You get it?”

Shepard made a few token noises of protest, but he let it stay at that – his partners were trying to take care of him, and, even on a good day, Shepard had never really been the type to make it easy for them, having carried so much of a burden for so long. 

They stayed there, tangling together as the massaging jets did their job. Fortunately, these days, their stress levels were significantly less. Shepard sighed, nuzzling against James’s neck. “How long until you head out, James?” he murmured, not opening his eyes.

“Tomorrow afternoon. But I’ll be back as soon as I can. And Kaidan... he’ll be here the whole time.”

Shepard smiled. “Yeah. My big strong heroes, here to protect me.”

“It is our turn,” Kaidan said. And, all things considered, considering how much the war had weighed on him, really, it was going to be their turn for a long while yet. 

Still, one thing was clear about how he was responding to the gentle affectionate touches of his lovers – if there was a place for Commander Shepard to be at home, it was here. 

And if there was one thing that would help the recovery – all of theirs, not just Shepard’s but the scars the war left on Kaidan and James, even if they weren’t as pronounced as his – it would be having a home, a place where the burdens were shed and shared. 

Be it ever so humble.


End file.
